📃🪶"You'll Regret It"
Last Updated: 3 months, 3 weeks ago
I wrote this poem about the pressure to know what we want, to do what's best, to always hold people close no matter how they treat you, to and not ever make the wrong choices, to not take a break, to "live in the real world", to always be worried about time running out. In essence, all the pressures people put on us of the YOLO and FOMO variety, which cause us to live lives we don't want to and do things we definitely do regret, and regret what we failed to do, all because we did not understand our biases and ironically listened to other people's "you might regret it otherwise".
Confront
Is all I do, I force myself to do nothing else
Feel my feelings when they are all I feel
I want to heal so I guess that means
I just have to obsess over trauma with no pause
"Remember Death"
They say
Momento Mori
It's supposed to make you appreciate life
Stoicism
Now Death the only thing that brings me joy
An irony that spites them In their self-satisfying smugness So unreflective
"Think endlessly of what you could miss" And that is what I do
"Think always of what you could regret" And that is all I do
"Think of how you could never see them again" And that is all I do
"Think of how this could be the last thing this get to say to them" And this is all I do
It's gotten to the point where I hate people
For all the emotional baggage they bring And all the emotions I feel like I owe them
Whenever they have something to ask me to feel Another crate they drop off on my cart Another load I can bear for them while I'm at it To take the burden on my way
Frankly, I'm tired of people appealing to my emotions
Appealing to the fear of loss
And using dirty tactics to reach me
Appealing through ways that only work
Because of backchannels they left in me
On their way out
Why can't I be allowed to hate for once Or get revenge
Since I've always known since 14 that revenge wasn't worth it
Because I live endlessly in my head
Always thinking of consequences, never acting
And beyond that, thinking of possibilities
And the Just In Case, the Worst Case
And why oh why
Can't I quit my abusers from my life
And in my mind
What will it take?
Anger
Now I understand the Crown of Choice1 And paralysis that brings
But we need to live in the moment
However great the idea of eternity brings
However short finite life feels
And how much we want to cling to eternal life
Because we're taught, or ingrained to think
And our brains learn so easily
That if it's not perfect in the end
Then it was never worth it
And same if it's just finite
And so a column of ants we build a tower to the sky, ever upward
But what is it to me
If you disregard my dream because
It's mine
However silly it be to you
I needn't listen to the hurts you bring me on that platter
Served up ready for me the moment I spoke, no, thought, no, dreamt a thought
Because I still love my dream
And that's all I need
But anger is okay too
1 See The Indecisive King and abilities of The Crown of Choice
Thanks for reading! Subscribe to my free newsletter or follow my RSS feed!