📃🪶 Part 1: The Ponder
Last Updated: 3 months, 3 weeks ago
I'm Not Someone Who Likes To Move On. Farewell, But Never My Heart Farewell
About my heart sorrowing at losing people, and all the so many precious things and moments and memories that made life so happy, and trying to hold onto them, at least even in my memory and not let them go. And the unbearability of nostalgia and it's sense of loss that comes with ageing and losing people and precious things in life.
But it's written with one person in particular in mind, because I will and do already miss her.
The Ponder and the Farewell
I get attached to people.
I can't replace them in my mind, and it baffles me that some people can.
I feel, I hurt, I get attached, deeply.
To me no person can simply be replaced.
I think I grow to love people, truth be told.
Sometimes, often, perhaps, they don't even know it.
I'd be surprised if they ever know how much.
And still, nowadays, lately, I find myself walking through shadow after shadow of loss.
Memories flood over me, and much.
I don't understand why I feel and view them so much.
Emotions.
Poignancy.
The feelings of times past.
As suddenly, so many good times, so many precious things
Seem to be coming to an end at once.
And so many lives, relationships, relationships, and precious people
Are so near their final breath.
I don't understand it.
I don't understand why.
I don't understand why so many,
Or all at once,
Or why now.
I don't know.
I don't know why it has to be this way.
And all at once, after so much mounting sorrow, for years.
It started in 2018 and kept going downhill from there.
Then the pandemic.
And even then, the realisations of things that couldn't get done
People who wouldn't get better
Things that wouldn't be the same
My deferral of precious time until later
To survive, by necessity
But it couldn't come
Still, that's how I comforted myself
Necessary
A lie?
Hold on. We all just need to hold on. To keep fighting. To hold together. We'll make it out.
And some of us did, and went our separate ways, to various extents.
And for that I'm glad and grateful.
But.
It's still not done.
And before it is, how much more loss will we face?
Who, and what,
And what more
Time, opportunity, love and happiness
Will I lose?
I guess it never hit me until now.
Not the loss, but
A new level of the harshness
An even newer level, if it's possible.
For I feel like I've been playing in a sandbox, in Keiko's rehabilitation habitat tank
But there's a whole greater
World to survive out there.
A whole greater ocean of wild things, beyond the comforting illusion of home.
Or the illusory comfort of home.
Or the comfort of an illusory home.
I'm not sure which.
And it's harsh and cruel and beautiful and things can be over in a heartbeat.
Or in many, long cruel fading heartbeats in pulses of pain.
But we live, we're alive, we strive to live, we survive.
Still, it would be nice to get some change back.
And it would be nice for some things to remain as they were, and only change in better ways.
And to not have to lose everyone, all the time.
As I miss you, and I'll miss you.
When you're gone.
And I'll miss you still.
Beyond then.
And always.
I'll miss you.
All.
I do. I miss you.
And I'll miss you.
And I'll miss you still.
Farewell.
But never my heart farewell.
It beats still
With memory
Farewell...
But never my heart farewell.
Farewell.
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